I’m Benjamin Buttoning!

"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls."
~ Anais Nin

Guess I’ve gotten sucked into a time wrap since I completed my Degree last September. I'm getting anxious for the future. What's next? Where am I going? Where do I want to go? And when will I get there? The days have gone by abnormally fast since then. The past two years has been really hectic and now I’m at home all day in my pajamas, every day. My time references have changed completely. What used to feel long as a semester, now feels brief and fleeting, like a long weekend. Instead of measuring the future in class hours, counting down until the next break, I find myself going through the calendars at an alarming rate. 

Am I going backwards?

It’s been quite hard for me for not pursuing with the visa application for some reasons, but on the other hand, I got to spend the last 2 hours before my dear grandma left us, forever. (Al-fatihah) There’s so much to rant about, but parents are being parents, can’t really blame them. Tried my luck with local Insurance Agency for 2 months and a half before I realized, for the first time ever in my life, I can’t force myself to do something that I don’t want to do. Thought I was good with “go-with-the-flow”, but I was wrong. So I sent my resumes to a few companies, but it was either I failed the interviews or me no received any replies. But I wasn’t sad about it though, I actually felt relieved.

Being a grown up is actually pretty scary. I find myself stretching myself mulling over what I want to do with my life. What if I push myself the wrong way? What if I screw up? And how am I supposed to know before I try? It is becoming increasingly important to me to spend time with myself, working on discovering more about me, considering there's no one I spend more time with now. But I guess, it is a worthwhile thing, a thing that needs to be done. Slowly, sometimes reluctantly, and definitely with a strong curiosity as I look toward the horizon. At the time being, I’m handling an InstaShop on Instagram. Do check it out! (sugarANDfig) I enjoy selling stuffs and surprisingly, it makes me really happy! But I’m not sure if I want to take it to the next level. For now, I still look at it as a hobby.

I think I am starting to lose interest in (almost) everything. Tsk.

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